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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26771791">Et in Arcadia ego</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/wrenrouge/pseuds/wrenrouge'>wrenrouge</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>concerti for the bright-eyed and melancholy [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>A buffet of angst mostly, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Psychological Drama, Read at your own discretion, You've been warned, for like a sentence, please tread carefully, potentially triggering themes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 03:55:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,925</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26771791</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/wrenrouge/pseuds/wrenrouge</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Tetsurou just wants to hold Kenma's hand.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kozume Kenma &amp; Kuroo Tetsurou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>concerti for the bright-eyed and melancholy [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1952041</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>41</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Et in Arcadia ego</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I don't expect anyone to read this, but here I am presenting to you my requiem, through Kuroo Tetsurou, the love of my life. </p><p>I wouldn't suggest reading this if heavy topics aren't your thing or can be triggering to you. This started as a thread on twitter and I decided to polish it up and post it here for safekeeping.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Are you sure you’re not cold?” </p><p>Kenma’s wearing his summer school uniform, even though it’s October and it’s getting progressively chilly outside. He’s the type to layer up at any drop in temperature, but here in the small café they’re in, he doesn’t seem bothered by the fact that he’s the only one not wearing at least a hoodie. </p><p>“Yes,” he nods his head, “Are <em> you </em> cold?”</p><p>Tetsurou takes a sip of his pumpkin spice latte, “A little bit, yeah.” </p><p>Kenma just continues drawing shapes with his fingers on the table, until he stops, feeling Tetsurou’s eyes on him, “If you want to hold my hand, you could just ask, you know.” He says as he reaches out a hand toward Tetsurou </p><p>“But we’re in public, people might see.” </p><p>“Everyone’s already looking at us weird, if you haven’t noticed, Kuro.” And it’s true. Tetsurou has been avoiding it, but he sees the awkward glances he gets from the other patrons. The sideway glances he catches in his peripheral as they sit together at their dinky table, murmuring and laughing, amongst other shared intimate experiences that can only come from a comfortable sort of love between people. </p><p>Tetsurou sighs, “Okay.” He lets Kenma take his hands into his own. They’re cold, they’ve always been cold, but Tetsurou has never cared, as he has enough heat to share between them. “I like holding your hands, Kenma.” </p><p>“I like holding yours too.” </p><p>
  <em> (please don’t ever let go) </em>
</p><p>“Are you going to eat the slice of apple pie I bought you? I’m pretty sure it’s cold by now.” </p><p>“I’m not hungry.” Kenma says, as he sends an apathetic glance to the plate on the side of the table. </p><p>“It’s okay, you can save it for later.” </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Another grueling day of university classes has Tetsurou falling face first on his bed. He wonders if Kenma’s done with school by now; he checks his messages, just in case, and finds nothing. He doesn’t get many messages nowadays, but he doesn’t think too much of it. He feels a headache coming on, so he sits up to rummage through his bedside drawer. He finds a near full bottle of aripiprazole. Nope not what he's looking for. He just needs some acetaminophen. He next finds a rectangular device, he realizes is a Nintendo 3DS with too many cat stickers to count. He puts it back, forgetting about it once he finds what he’s looking for. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Kenma messages Tetsurou one night asking him if he can stay over at Tetsurou’s university apartment. When Tetsurou asks him why he’s on the other side of Tokyo so late, Kenma just shrugs and says his parents locked the door on him and he didn’t have the key, nor did his parents open the door for him when he knocked. </p><p>“That doesn’t sound like something your parents would do.” </p><p>“I guess so. I overheard them talking about selling the house soon, I’m not sure why, the neighborhood’s fine.”</p><p>“You can move in with me if you’d like. I don’t have much, but it’s something.” </p><p>Kenma looks at Tetsurou and leans into his warmth, “I would like that.” he says as he cuddles up next to him. Tetsurou noses Kenma’s fine golden hair and smells the strong scent of apple shampoo. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Tetsurou’s birthday comes around and he spends it with his family. They give him a cake, he makes a wish, and enjoys their company. </p><p>“So what do you have planned today?” Tetsurou’s father asks.</p><p>“I’m not sure, I might hang out with Kenma later.” </p><p>Tetsurou’s grandmother drops the fork she’s holding, making a loud clunk on the table. “What?”</p><p>“Might hang out with a friend later?”</p><p>“Oh, alright. Have fun then.” </p><p>Tetsurou doesn’t know what to make of the exchange, but it doesn’t really matter. He gets ready for his day, noticing that it’s a beautiful cloudless day for November. Tetsurou takes an extra jacket regardless, in case Kenma gets cold. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>School picks up as usual, he’s busy trying to finish projects and exams, he doesn’t even mind that Kenma doesn’t talk to him much since he’s probably equally as busy. It’s almost winter break when he realizes it’s been more than a month since he’s last heard of Kenma, with no responses to his messages either. So he calls Taketora to see what’s up. </p><p>“Tora, have you seen Kenma lately?”</p><p>“..Uh…” Tora says on the other side of the line. “I haven’t, I really should though, it’s been around 7 months.” </p><p>“How about Fukunaga?” </p><p>“He doesn’t like to talk about it, it wouldn’t be a good idea to bring it up, Kuroo-san.” </p><p>“I guess, but someone needs to keep track of Kenma while I’m away.” </p><p>There’s silence on the other side, when Tora clears his throat, “Um, I guess if you’d like we can go visit him together when you’re free?” </p><p>“Yeah, I guess.” Tetsurou says, finding the conversation pointless. “I’ll talk to you later then.” </p><p>“Yeah…” Tora agrees and hangs up after. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Christmas passes and so does New Years and Tetsurou doesn’t hear from Kenma. He’s immensely worried and he sends many messages to him, but Kenma never responds, nor are the messages even read. Tetsurou doesn’t know what to think, what if Kenma doesn’t love him anymore? What if he finally realized Tetsurou wasn’t worth it?</p><p>It’s late January when Kenma shows up outside Tetsurou’s apartment again. Kenma doesn’t even get a word in when Tetsurou takes him into a tight hug. He’s angry and hurt that Kenma would leave and reappear so suddenly, but he’s relieved that he’s at least okay. “I missed you.” He says as he inhales Kenma’s apple scented shampoo, though it is fainter than usual. “I thought you died.” </p><p>Kenma inhales sharply as he hugs Tetsurou back. “I’m sorry.” He’s still wearing his summer uniform even though it’s the heart of winter. “My parents sold the house and I had to deal with the aftermath.”</p><p>“They did?” Tetsurou lets go of Kenma, and observes him. His hair reaches his shoulders, his dark roots growing in but not too much. He looks smaller somehow, a bit frail. Did he get shorter too? For someone who’s supposed to be 18, he doesn’t seem any more grown. “Kenma, are you eating?”</p><p>“I’m just not hungry.” He shrugs nonchalantly. </p><p>“Can you explain to me why you were gone all this time at least?”</p><p>Kenma looks nervous as he kicks a pebble on the ground, “I suppose you deserve an explanation. Would it be okay to talk inside your apartment?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>They’re in the living room, Tetsurou made them hot chocolate with extra marshmallows and whipped cream like Kenma likes it. “Okay, explain yourself.” </p><p>“I’m trying.” Kenma says with a quiet exasperation. His hair covers his face, a habit he was growing out of, but he seems to have regained it. </p><p>“Hey,” Tetsurou says quietly, reaching out for Kenma’s hand, “You know I won’t judge you.”</p><p>Kenma bites his lower lip and then sighs, “I’m just…lonely, and everything is changing, and I can’t keep up. It’s stressful knowing everyone moves 10 paces faster than me, and I’ll never be able to catch up at this point, since I fall behind 20 steps when I try.” </p><p>Tetsurou’s heart lurches in his chest at Kenma’s admission, because he understands and doesn’t at the same time. “You have me you know? You’re not alone when you have me.”</p><p><em> “Exactly," </em> Kenma stresses. “You’re the only person I can talk to now and you don’t understand what’s happening because you don’t want to understand. Do you even remember anything?”</p><p>Tetsurou looks at Kenma, confusion evident in his eyes. He’s not understanding anything Kenma’s saying, because Tetsurou is there for Kenma and will always be there, why can’t Kenma understand that?</p><p>“You don’t know anything about me anymore.” Kenma continues, “You don’t want to remember.”</p><p>“That’s not true!” Tetsurou says, hurt by the insinuation that Kenma doesn’t think he knows anything about him, the love of his life. “I know everything there is to know about you. You hate coffee without milk and sugar, when you were 10 you accidentally flushed your copy of Mother 3 down the toilet and you cried for a week straight. You like listening to rain when you’re going to bed, you won’t admit it, but you had a crush on Zack Fair when you were younger, you hate egg yolks and….” Tetsurou keeps counting fact after fact on his fingers to stop the thought manifesting in the back of his head. </p><p>
  <em> (He’s breaking up with you.) </em>
</p><p>Kenma’s brows pinch painfully as he watches Tetsurou fumble with his hands. “Kuro, that’s not what I meant.” </p><p>“What did you mean then?” </p><p>Kenma visibly swallows, “I don’t know. Please just hold me?”</p><p>Tetsurou relents and takes Kenma into his arms before dragging him to bed, but he can’t help but feel he’s missing something. He can’t help but wonder why Kenma told him all those things. </p><p>Kenma falls asleep in Tetsurou’s arms like he’s done many times before. Tetsurou observes Kenma’s sleeping face, the curve of his nose, the softness of his cheeks, everything. He’s perfect, just like he’s always been, just like that day…</p><p>What day? He can’t remember. </p><p>Kenma’s hot chocolate goes untouched.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Yaku comes to visit him one day, along with Kai. It’s been a while since he’d last seen them, since they’d all gone their separate ways in terms of life plans. </p><p>Yaku tells Tetsurou he’s become messy since he last saw him. Tetsurou guesses he’s lost track of time and hasn’t been able to catch up on cleaning his apartment, so Yaku and Kai volunteer to help him tidy it up. </p><p>“There’s so much shit around your bed, this isn’t like you.” Yaku tuts as he cleans up the bedside table. He opens the drawer, rummaging around to fix what’s inside, before he stops. “Kuroo, what’s this?” He says as he takes out the long forgotten Nintendo 3DS with too many cat stickers to count on it. “Didn’t this belong to Kenma?” </p><p>Tetsurou looks up from cleaning the trash on the floor by his closet. “Yeah, I think so, why?”</p><p>Kai drops some clothes in the laundry hamper in the corner, “Have you had it this whole time?” </p><p>Tetsurou thinks about it. Of course he had it the whole time, Kenma comes over every once in a while, he’d probably left it there at some point. But then he remembers, the 3DS has been there for months now, he feels a headache coming at the thought. </p><p>“Yeah, it’s no big deal, I’ll give it to him later.” </p><p>Yaku looks pained as he puts the 3DS back in the drawer, “It’s been almost a year, you know?” </p><p>“Yeah, I guess.” Tetsurou shrugs, not understanding. He feels the start of his headache and doesn’t want to deal with it.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Kenma, you should take your 3DS back with you, it’s gathering dust here.” </p><p>“I don’t need it anymore.” </p><p>“Why not? You love games. I even got you a new cat sticker to stick on it.” </p><p>“Kuro, I haven’t used it for almost a…year. I don’t need it anymore.” He says with a blank expression.</p><p>Tetsurou purses his lips at his boyfriend’s nonchalance and obtuseness, but decides not to question further, “Can you pass me the bottle of aspirin? I have a headache again.” </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>For their first time, they truly do have mind blowing sex. He loves the little sounds Kenma releases when he touches him just right. Kenma kisses him afterward and lets him hold his hand during their movie marathon, as they snuggle up on the old torn-up couch in Tetsurou's living room.</p><p>He distances himself away from Tetsurou in public though, gets irritated when Tetsurou buys him apple pie and makes a point to never eat it. </p><p>He no longer smells of apple shampoo. </p><p>He pretends not to notice, but Tetsurou is smart. He knows Kenma is pulling away from him. Thinking about it too much gives him headaches though, and he hates having to wake up by downing four ibuprofen pills every day. </p><p>But the melancholy Kenma carries is hard to ignore, especially when he’s become colder as they both visit places they used to laugh, hug and kiss in. He tries not to notice how Kenma looks down at his feet when they pass groups of young people and they only stop to talk to Tetsurou. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Kenma gets philosophical from time to time, he talks about the inherent loneliness of being, and how everyone eventually dies alone. Tetsurou doesn’t know what to do about that, but takes pills to avoid the headaches. It’s made Tetsurou despondent and he has stopped most communication with his family and friends. </p><p>Bokuto calls him one day and asks how he is. He says he’s fine. </p><p>“How’s school?” Bokuto asks, trying to get him to talk more than a sentence at a time.   </p><p>“I don’t remember there being classes actually. Did I go?” </p><p>He hangs up soon after, leaving Bokuto unsure of what happened to his friend. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Why were you afraid to be lonely?”</p><p>“I don’t know.” Kenma says one night. “It made me really anxious though. Honestly I never felt like anyone liked me that much.”</p><p>“… I like you.”</p><p>“I wish you’d told me sooner.”</p><p>He doesn’t let Tetsurou question him, instead he kisses him sweetly with promises of something more. </p><p>
  <em> (Please don’t leave me.) </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Tetsurou gets it now, he thinks. He gets it as he ignores the phone calls and knocks at his door and all he does is stare at the ceiling fan wondering why he didn’t get it sooner. He’s aware of Kenma next to him, heart beating slowly as he sleeps, he’s aware of himself and the thump thump of his own heart underneath his hand on his chest. </p><p>His waking life is becoming unreal and meaningless, and all that matters is Kenma and his talks of loneliness. He comprehends and he understands that they are ultimately alone on this earth. </p><p>Tetsurou talks with Kenma, between each kiss they share, about cotton clouds and reveries. They roll around underneath the sheets every hour of the day, and whisper their ideas about solitude into each other's mouths. He barely understands what Kenma says sometimes, he just knows he’s probably right, deep in the viscera of his soul. </p><p>Everyone is ultimately alone, in their bodies and in their minds. They can get closer and closer to each other, fall in love, undress and caress each other, and pretend for a fleeting second that they are one, but they will always be separate. Like atoms, they will never touch, will never entwine. As much as one feels their lover's heartbeat under their fingertips, their breathing against their ear, their warmth and solidness against their hands, it is a mistake to call any of those moments an experience of what life is, when life is none of those things at all. Life is a soul bound deep within a body, a mind trapped within a flesh prison; neither of these things can ever truly be touched by another, caressed by kind hands. </p><p>Everyone lives and dies alone in cages of flesh and bone. One can reach out their arms through the tiny spaces, can rattle the bars, slam their body into the iron, scream until their throat is raw and their voice is no more, but no one will come hold their hand. </p><p>But here, snug and secure in Kenma's arms, Tetsurou feels a happiness so deep and euphoric, he swears he will never leave his room again. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Fear is a funny thing, it made Kenma work faster than he ever worked before, and it’s making Tetsurou work even faster so he won’t lose him again. </p><p>It’s been a year since it’s happened. What exactly? He’s not sure, but he understands that he doesn’t have to let his boyfriend be alone anymore. That there’s a way to fix his and Kenma's mistakes, here in this room, together. </p><p>He loves Kenma, he’s the love of Tetsurou’s life. He would give up everything, even his life, to see him smile once more, to be able to feel the warmth of the sun in his eyes.</p><p>Tetsurou will never let Kenma be alone again. </p><p>“Should I send your 3DS back to your parents?” </p><p>“I don’t think you need to, I don’t know where they live now anyway.”</p><p>“Okay.” Tetsurou says as he throws it into a big garbage bag, along with his business textbooks and his old volleyball jacket. </p><p>“Do you think a bottle of pills and some alcohol will do it? Or should I add something else?” Tetsurou says as he goes through his bedside drawer. </p><p>“I’m not sure, I would do something else altogether, I think.” </p><p>“But I don’t…” </p><p>
  <em> (Want to leave a mess) </em>
</p><p>“We’ll figure it out, but we have to hurry.” </p><p>“Sorry, for making you wait.” </p><p>“It’s okay. You didn’t mean it.”</p><p>Tetsurou looks at the silhouette of Kenma’s body by the window. He looks beautiful as the breeze blows through his small frame. His heart somersaults in his chest, and he can’t wait to finish cleaning up, so he can join him. </p><p>The breeze picks up. It’s warm, yet Tetsurou can’t help but shiver. </p><p>“Are you cold?” Kenma asks Tetsurou softly.</p><p>
  <em> (Are you scared? I was.) </em>
</p><p>“No, not really.” Tetsurou breathes, feeling lighter than he's ever felt before. “But I’m going to need you to hold my hand.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"They say 'Follow your heart'….</p><p>…. But I can’t follow you where you’re going…"</p><p>― Ranata Suzuki</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>
  <a href="http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html">I'm sorry, please be safe.</a>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Based on my own experiences and perpetual predicaments. Depression isn't always heavy, like the word implies, sometimes it's a warm breeze coming in through your window. Kuroo's character revolves around connection, to connect, that's Nekoma's motto, and an important theme in Kuroo and Kenma's relationship. What a partnership needs in order to begin. This is my take on the other side of that: disconnection.</p><p> </p><p>Find me:<br/>Tumblr: <a href="http://wrenrouge.tumblr.com/">@wrenrouge</a><br/>Twitter: <a href="http://twitter.com/wrenrouge">@wrenrouge</a><br/>CuriousCat: <a href="https://curiouscat.me/wrenrouge">@wrenrouge</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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